


i can't function without you

by sweetnettletea



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Angry Lilith, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Oblivious Ava, Violence, dark fic but that doesn't mean there's no light at the end of the tunnel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:56:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28838901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetnettletea/pseuds/sweetnettletea
Summary: To Ava — this is just training. She’ll be able to defend herself properly in no time, like Lilith promises. She doesn’t catch on to the fact that her bruises disappear and her bones heal just before everyone else wakes up.To Lilith, however, this is a routine that sees her through the day. Like her own personal drug to ensure the mere function of her body, though she worries that it’s starting to become an unhealthy addiction.Lilith / Ava
Relationships: Sister Lilith & Ava Silva, Sister Lilith/Ava Silva
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	1. you say that every morning

**Author's Note:**

> I re-watched the show during lockdown 3 and I forgot how awful Lilith was to Ava. I mean, she literally tried to kill her and this fic is a reflection of that but in a different way. It's dark and it's sad but that doesn't mean that there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel!
> 
> I'm not sure how many people ship these two but I'm here for it.

They always start at 6am when no one else is awake. An hour earlier than everyone, to be precise. Her schedule says mid-morning and always has said mid-morning, but Lilith is so — _particular_ and Ava can’t ever seem to reason with her. 

“This early... again?” Ava yawns. “Should be illegal.”

“You say that every morning.” Lilith arches a brow and grabs one of the sticks from the stands at the side. “Come on. We haven’t got all day.” 

The sparing begins. Lilith shows Ava a couple of attack manoeuvres and asks Ava to demonstrate. Ava is still learning and Lilith tells her that it’s OK. That she’ll get there eventually. Then after ten minutes, it’s as though a switch flips and Lilith abruptly quits playing nice, like Ava is no longer a beginner. 

Teeth are borne and a stick is ceaselessly battered into bruised and broken skin, which is ultimately replaced with experienced knuckles. Each attempt at defence fails against an immensely unfair and unmatched strength. Ava lies there, seventy five percent immobile knowing that the halo will kick in and heal her shortly. Lilith towers over the smaller girl from where she lay on the training mat and casts a dark shadow atop of black and blue flesh, with sweat beads on her forehead and a relieved smirk so shamelessly cruel. It goes unnoticed by the victim. 

Ava, from what feels like her rightful place on the ground, hisses painfully. “ _Fuck!_ ”

“Well.” Lilith rubs her left palm over the sore knuckles on her right hand and composes herself once again, aided by the deception of innocence. “Perhaps you’ll do better next time.” 

“And... you say that... every morning.”

This is exactly what happens at 6am each time and yet Ava is none the wiser – doesn’t catch on that the bruises disappear and her bones heal just before everyone else wakes up. This is just training to her and Lilith promises that eventually she’ll be able to defend herself. That the same thing happened to her when she first joined the OCS. Ava believes her. 

To Lilith, however, this is much more than training. This is all of her rage, all of her envy and this is each unfair second that the halo is allowed to rest inside someone so self-centred, spoilt and petulant. This is Lilith’s coping mechanism. A routine that sees her through the day, like her own personal drug to avail the mere function of her body. 

This is — becoming an extremely unhealthy addiction. Lilith has dug herself so deep into this situation she worries each night, when she’s alone in her bed, that this feeling and need is starting to become irreversible. 

And Ava — silly, selfish, naive, sweet and forgiving Ava — has absolutely _no_ idea


	2. This is the last time; I won't hurt her anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already had chapter two written out, so enjoy!

“Your skills are improving.” It’s a lie, but there’s something about the way her heart picks up its pace and the little pang in her chest when the corner of Ava’s lips upturn into an excited grin. Lilith knows it’s only a matter of minutes before everything changes, before she’ll succumb to the darkness within and bring the smaller girl down with her too. 

“Wow, really?” Ava jogs on the spot with a victorious grin brightening up the training hall that’s empty aside from the two of them. “Guess I have a good teacher, huh?”

She chooses to ignore that and turns away to place a lone stick back in its place on the stand. “Soon you’ll be ready to practice more complex techniques.”

Ava blows out a low whistle, as cocky and confident as usual. “Maybe you could show me one now, so I can see what I’m dealing with.” 

Lilith stares dead on into space from where she’s stood at the stand. This is exactly how it starts. The adrenaline builds up inside of her, starting from the tips of her toes and making its way slowly throughout her body. The temptation is just too strong for her to reject. This – thing with Ava, it’s like she’ll die without it. Like her purpose in life is lost without it. Like she’s weak and irrelevant if she doesn’t take what she needs and it pains her so deeply when there’s nothing but hope and motivation in her trainee’s eyes.

She tells herself every day that this is the last time, she’ll only do it once more and stop herself. It never works. 

“Okay,” She says and turns around to stand in front of Ava. So hopeful and so helpless, even with the halo inside of her. “This is called a throat punch and an up-knee combination. I’ll demonstrate them first and then you’ll have to try and block me with the defence skills I’ve already shown you.” 

Ava nods quickly and does her signature jog on the spot again as if it will help her. Lilith proceeds to show her how to perform the throat punch and up-knee combination three times, and then gives her two defence options for each. The trainee has her fists in front of her face, giving herself some spare time to think and decide on which block she’ll choose. The fists drop as her face moves into a questioning frown, and the switch in Lilith’s body is flicked. 

“Wait, what if --!” Ava keels over and grabs her throat, breath heaving and eyes streaming. Then her nose and hand are coated in sticky blood as her head is forced to collide with a muscly knee. 

“That’s why you _never_ slacken your defence.” Lilith presses. “Block me, Ava.” Another knee to the face and a twist to the arm in a position it should never reach. “Go on, block me!” There’s a crack somewhere and a pleading, ear-splitting wail that follows somewhat after it. Bruised knuckles, bloody clothes, broken bones, heavy breathing, defeated sniffles and a euphoric sensation that cannot be obtained or matched with anything else. Relief and all tension lost; this is what heaven would feel like. 

Lilith is on cloud nine. Ava is on the ground, arm stretched behind her back and shivering in a pool of her own blood. _Pathetic_. “If you want to be better, then _do_ better, Ava.” 

Ava is left alone to clean herself up. 

*

Mary glances at Lilith curiously. “You’re in a good mood today.”

“Yes, it would appear so.” Lilith rolls her eyes slightly. They always have these little tiffs, especially when Mary’s in one of her _why are you so secretive_ moods. 

“If that’s the case then… who died?” 

Lilith snorts and throws a grape at her. “You’re hilarious.” Yet the guilt that is slowly making its way up her torso is swallowed back down as deep as possible, which is an emotion that’s always saved for later when she’s in the safety of her own company and her own company alone. 

*

“Beatrice, I’m sending the files over to you now via email. This is something you’ll want to see.” Lilith types a quick _these are the files_ email out and pings them to Beatrice.

“Got them.” Beatrice confirms over the radio. 

“Good. I’m making my way back to Cats Cradle as we speak.”

“Okay. To save yourself some hassle I’m going to depict the files with Ava because she’d like to learn how to break into them, with your permission of course?” 

Lilith pauses with the radio just a breath away and swallows the burning feeling back down in her throat. “That’s not a problem.”

*

This is the worst part. Coming down from a high every morning means that Lilith must experience the lowest of lows each night. She looks in the mirror above her dressing table and her face is composed into her most disgusted grimace yet. It’s not like she can even use the excuse that Ava is a bad Warrior Nun anymore, because she’s trying her very best now.

 _So why do you do this to her?_ It’s a question she asks herself every single night as she drowns herself in her own tears, and pulls out her notebook to write in it again. 

_I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_. Word after word on each page and the notebook is almost half full. She refuses to let it get to that point. _This is the last time; I won’t hurt her anymore_. 

It isn’t the last time. It happens again the next day, the day after that and the day after that, and the book of _I’m sorry’s_ reaches halfway eventually.

Ava is still oblivious; Lilith is still addicted and every night she still hates herself just a little bit more each time.


	3. the only way forward is always to finish what she’s started

The skin on Ava’s neck feels warm and soft beneath Lilith’s free hand, hydrated by fresh droplets of sweat from the draining workout they’ve already accomplished during their training session. Lilith drags her fingers along Ava’s jawline over to her pulse. It quickens when she tightens the arm that’s locked around the smaller girls back in the grappling hold Lilith has trapped her in. The front of her body is against the floor, and her face is squashed to the side on the training mat with the heavy weight of an experienced predator above her. 

Lilith tightens the grip on the arm that’s locked around Ava’s back even further, enjoying the hiss and deep grunts of protest in return. 

“You’re very quiet today,” Lilith breathes from above the smaller girl. “What’s the matter?” 

“This isn’t working… I’m not… I’m not getting any better.” 

“Of course you are,” Lilith snaps. “Remember the story I told you? Of when I first joined the OCS?” She leans down closer to Ava’s face, allowing her to witness each little particle of fresh sweat forming on Ava’s forehead the more she tries to wriggle and escape, the more she wears her strength out. The crease between Ava’s eyebrows becomes prominent as she winces when Lilith pulls the locked arm up impossibly further to coax her reply. “ _Do you remember?!_ ” Lilith demands.

“ _Yes_.” Ava says desperately, and visible relief forms in her shoulders when Lilith loosens the grip on her arm slightly.

“Tell me.” Lilith orders. Her weight shifts so that she’s fully resting against Ava’s arm and back, and Lilith can only imagine how painful it must feel. But Ava rarely accepts defeat, instead she simply lets herself _be_ defeated. However, something’s different about the smaller girl today, she’s not her usual arrogant self and there’s a vacant quality surrounding her. 

“You said… it was hard… that things got worse before they… got better,” Ava wheezes and winces as she repeats Lilith’s story over to her about when Lilith had first joined the OCS. She’d told Ava that she’d been defeated many times and that it had taken her a long time to accomplish her first successful battle.

It was a lie. 

When Lilith had first joined the OCS, her mission was to live up to what her parents had envisioned her to be, with her family having served the OCS since the 1500’s, providing six halo bearers in their time. There was no place for losing. No time with friends, no time seeing her family or even time to herself. It was a constant cycle of training and learning and dedication. She quickly became one of the most skilled Sister Warriors at the OCS, and not long after that she had earned her place as next in line. 

When she’d found out that the halo had been misplaced into a random civilian, her initial thought was of her parents. Would they think of her a failure? When her parents had eventually received the news, it was as clear as day of how they perceived her – an incompetent disgrace to the family name, and thus was born the deep, hellish rage inside of Lilith. A rage that can only be fuelled by her present activities. A rage that eats away at herself bit by bit, and soaks up her very soul each day. 

When Lilith looks at Ava, she sees her own failure. It reminds her of what she has lost along the way, and also what could’ve been. There’s no turning back from the current mess she has created, and when she regards the quivering sufferer beneath her, it seems like the only way forward is always to finish what she’s started.

“That’s right,” Lilith tells her quietly. Then, the sound of a deep, ravenous snarl echoes the hall as Lilith takes exactly what she needs from Ava. 

There are cries, there are screams and there are deep, fatigued breaths as Lilith has Ava pinned in a new immobilising position where they can see each other’s faces. Lilith can see the defeat and frustration in Ava’s glistening eyes and they’re different this time. They’re free of all hope and confidence like their previous training sessions and the smaller girl appears to be nothing but drained.

“Please.” Ava whispers to Lilith as their eyes lock together, and a new set of tears form.

It surprises Lilith, and she momentarily loosens her grip on Ava’s limbs as she absorbs this new form of submission. It causes an uncomfortable stir somewhere deep inside of her, and her concentration becomes fuzzy and sluggish whilst she tries to comprehend the unthinkable thoughts inside her mind with a bewildered frown.

Then, she does something that ultimately shocks them both.

She lets Ava go.


End file.
